I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
