Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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