I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
