I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Come share oat with me in your robe
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
