I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
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