This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize