Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
