I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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