I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
