i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You can't just leave with hair like that
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
