I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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