The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
