how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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