it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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