...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
