Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
