people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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