Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
