so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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