I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
