I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
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You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
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I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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