So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
