I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
