He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
