My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
