there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
