Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
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In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
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Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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