No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
