Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?