She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.