he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.