I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
