There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
