I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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