I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
