There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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