when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
