Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
