I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
