No more Irish car bombs ever.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
