If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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