So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
