It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
