If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
