This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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