alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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