my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
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I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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