2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
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god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
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Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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