Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she looked like the before picture.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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