i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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