I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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