Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize