Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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