at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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