i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Apparently you make a good broom.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
