you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
