wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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